An Example of How Data Clearinghouses Work: Google Pizza


This was sent to me via email. No one knows the author of this or I would give that person credit. It does a great job illustrating what data clearinghouses do and why Congress should reject the bill that Speaker Paul Ryan (R-WI) and U.S. Senator Patty Murray (D-WA) introduced.

I give you Google Pizza:

CALLER: Is this Gordon’s Pizza?
GOOGLE: No sir, it’s Google Pizza.
CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.
GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.
CALLER: OK. I would like to order a pizza.
GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir?

CALLER: My usual? You know me?
GOOGLE: According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered
an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms
and meatballs on a thick crust.
CALLER: OK! That’s what I want …
GOOGLE: May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula,
sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten free thin crust?
CALLER: What? I detest vegetables.
GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
CALLER: How the ###  do you know?
GOOGLE:   Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records.
We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
CALLER: Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take
medication for my cholesterol.
GOOGLE: Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly.
According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol
tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago.
CALLER: I bought more from another drugstore.
GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.
CALLER: I paid in cash.
GOOGLE: But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.
CALLER: I have other sources of cash.
GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an
undeclared income source, which is against the law.
GOOGLE: I’m sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.
CALLER: Enough already! I’m sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and
all the others. I’m going to an island without internet, cable TV,
where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.
GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago…”

2 thoughts on “An Example of How Data Clearinghouses Work: Google Pizza

  1. This is too funny. I posted an article about the new Evidence Based Policymaking bill HR4174 and I asked people to think of this……….you go grocery shopping and in your cart you have ice cream, soda and cookies. The cashier tells you the system will not accept payment for the ice cream, soda and cookies. Why the shopper asks….oh Sir I cannot divulge that information….here is a number you can call. Shopper calls the number to find out he apparently has diabetes and is overweight and he cannot buy cookies, ice cream or soda. But they are for my grandkids. Sorry sir you cannot buy those products. Not quite as imaginative as your article but hopefully people will get the point. So for those that think collecting data on us is not a big deal please think again. DATA=CONTROL!!

    1. “So for those that think collecting data on us is not a big deal please think again. DATA=CONTROL!!”

      You are right. Sadly, too many people think such a scenario is far-fetched, and they cannot be convinced otherwise.

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